What I Couldn't Be Then, I'm Learning to Be Now

Featuring: Millie Charm – The Big Sister Vireya

“I’m still growing. But I know how to love like a big sister now.”

This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to show up—especially for the people we love.
Millie Charm is our featured Vireya, and she holds that special big sister energy—warm, present, and strong enough to be gentle. The kind of strength I wish I had when I was younger.

One of my favorite roles in life is being a big sister. But when I was a teenager, I wasn’t really there. I was in survival mode. Depression, anxiety, undiagnosed ADHD... I didn’t have the tools, and I didn’t have the safety. I didn’t want to be happy, because I didn’t believe I deserved it. Back then, my mom used to say I was “possessed.” In truth, I was just hurting.

I didn’t understand what safety really meant until my late 20s. Now that I do, it aches to look back and realize how much I needed it—how much better things might have been if I’d been as calm on the inside as I appeared on the outside. I wasn’t collected—I was spiraling.

That’s why I write. Writing helps me slow the swirl. It gives me space to pause when I don’t know how to speak. Sometimes, I overshare. Sometimes, I rush. But I’m learning.

Writing can be for me. But, I also have to put the words into action. I have to stay true to the words I say.

My words are a promise. Complete and true. No hidden meanings, no lies.

I want to be better—not because I wasn’t enough, but because I know I can be more grounded, more intentional.
I want to be someone others can lean on, not flinch from.
I want to be soft where I used to be sharp, firm where I used to fold.

This is my fight-like-h*** year—not out of desperation, but determination.
I need to make up for what I’ve broken, especially in the lives of people I love.
I don’t want to be remembered for spirals. I want to be remembered for planting something better afterward.

Remember when we talked about mending the broken teapot with golden resin?
Piece by piece. That’s what I’m doing—for myself.
It’s called Kintsugi, a practice from Japan where broken pottery is repaired with gold.
The cracks aren’t hidden—they’re honored.
That’s how I’ve started to heal.
Not by pretending I was never broken...
but by choosing to hold myself together with truth.

Like Millie, I want to be the kind of big sister who shows up.
Who listens. Who says “you’re safe now” and means it.
Who knows that being protective isn’t about fear—it’s about presence, instincts, and love that doesn't have to be loud to be real.

I'm still learning how to be calm when it counts. Still learning not to run when I feel too much. Still working on my tone, my reactions, my tendencies to say things with fire when I meant them with care.

But I haven’t given up on me. So I won’t give up on you either.

This week belongs to Millie Charm.
And this week, I’m fighting with kindness, not because it’s easy, but because it’s what I wish I’d been given back then.

If you’re still becoming—so am I.

Let’s grow into someone who helps, together.

With heart,
– Aunt C’Anna
Essence Grove™