Becoming

I don’t want to go into the details of what happened; not now, it still hurts.
I had to make a decision that changed my life from everything I’ve known to something completely different.
I have no idea how it will play out. We rarely know how things unfold, or if the decision we make is the one that will stick.

I’m scared.
I fought for my freedom.
I fought enough to heal.
To create.
Now, simply to be.

No one really held me back but myself.
I needed time: to heal, to grow, to become all that I am.
I found a safe place. A safe person. Someone who loved me enough to give me space to explore every dream I had, even if those dreams didn’t unfold by their side.

The truth? I have never truly been free.
Even when I was “single,” I tethered myself to the presence or absence of others. I waited for the text, the call, the invitation.
I held too tightly to some, and not tightly enough to others.
I’ve always feared being alone.

I love freely.
I see the good in almost everyone.
I know that when I show up as my full self, I could get hurt in new ways.

Now, I know what I want for my life.
I want to fight for what I want without holding back.

When life became too hard, I used to dissociate; not from substances or injury, but from trauma and not knowing how to cope.
I became calm in chaos, yet struggled to live in the day-to-day simple, safe spaces.
I still disappear behind that curtain sometimes.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed something different.
When I look in the mirror, I recognize her.
When I see myself in pictures, I want more of me being happy.
I’ve started collecting the things that make me shine brighter instead of shrinking down.
I embrace what makes me unique.

I no longer disappear when I mess up. I own it.
I let myself cry.
I don’t go to anger often; I used to pour that energy into my garden.
I don’t believe anger, sadness, fear, or even happiness should control me. They can guide, but not consume.

Right now, I’m going through a lot.
I asked for space to be held for me last week. A few offered it.
Some said they needed time to find the words.
That’s okay. A couple voices are better than none.

The lesson I’ve learned?
Leaning into what makes you happy helps pull you out of the darkness.

The darkness isn’t only in the outside world, it starts within you.
It’s the emotions that eat away at your joy.
If you need help fighting back against the weight of it, that’s why you have me.

Your Aunt C’Anna.
Here in the Grove, always.

Becoming me.